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Craven1b

Dr. Sinister Craven preparing a body for burial.

Dr. Sinister Craven is a vampirologist, professor emeritus of Miskatonic University, and a Discordian researcher and writer. He may be the current keeper of the proposed Discordian relic Binky the WonderSkull.

Early Years[]

It is unknown if the doctor was conceived or born or created. But whichever it was, it happened in a laboratory. Sinister has two younger step-brothers, Vinz¢ Lampshade and Alden Loveshade.

Miskatonic University[]

Craven attended Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts at the same time as future SubGenius Foundation co-founder Dr. Philo Drummond was earning his doctorate degree. Even though they were both students there, the two did not study together. "I didn't know him - I think he was a grade ahead of me. I liked his work, though," said Drummond.

Craven graduated mortis cum laude with a Doctorate of Vampirology degree in 1976. He became a lecturer there, and later a full professor.

While a professor, he and the Discordian linguist Toyalla published an Esperanto translation of a book written in a mixture of languages that was long believed untranslatable. This was Der Librum de Vampyric Histroika. The title in Esperanto became La libro de la historio de la vampiro. Unknown to the publisher, in the translation the two inserted veiled references to the Deities Eris, Aneris, Spirituality, Shamlicht, and the yet-unborn Goddess Miley Ray Cyrus.

Marriage[]

While working as a guest professor at Mt. Santa Juanita College in California, he met a girl named Bonnie who modeled nude for art classes. She was a widow with three children. The eldest, Bruce, lived with his grandparents in Texas. They married, Craven adopted the children.

Vampiricum Miskatonicum[]

Dr. Craven formed an organization called Vampiricum Miskatonicum. While associated with Miskatonic University, it had no official affiliation with that institution. Membership included vampirologists, vampiracologists, and, allegedly, vampires. Some believe the "vampires" were actually Discordians wearing plastic pointy teeth.

Dihydrogen Monoxide[]

Dr. Craven started the H20 scam with Alien. This talked about the dangers of "Dihydrogen Monoxide." It was inspired by a Saturday Night Live skit with Al Franken. This was then picked up by one of Alien's junior high school students named Nathan Zohner who made it famous.

Order of the Pineapple[]

He was admitted along with Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko to the Order of the Pineapple on 18 January 2008. The order, also called a disorder, honors those who have given extraordinary service to “the participatorial study of comedic attitudes and eccentric tendencies.”

Necromonicon[]

Believing the signs were right, on 21 December 2012, the day the Mayan Calendar ended, he read the entire Necronomicon. He went mad. He started fearing people wanted to kill him, then began asking people to kill him.

Arrest[]

Tiger craven jail

Rosey Tiger and Dr. Sinister Craven behind bars.

Shortly after retirement, in 2013 he was arrested for a break-in at New York's Trump Tower. He and his assistant, Rosey Tiger aka The Licking Bandit, believed the tower had been built on a Native American gravesite. They claimed they were digging for evidence so the tower would be dismantled by court order and the gravesite restored. However, Donald Trump's attorneys Harry "Grabber" Cunny and Jenny Taylia claimed they were digging up graves to raise the dead. In addition, Trump's aide Ivana Fondale claimed that, in spite of her being a towering official, Craven had neither kissed nor groped her. While Tiger was sent to a prison for girls, Craven was convicted of criminal sex evasion and was sent to Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary. This was due to a computer glitch, because unfortunately it had closed in 1963.

He and other men were stuck in a forgotten prison. With nothing else to do, he continued writing and, needing illustrations for his work, began making his own. He even drew original if macabre super-powered characters. These including Corpse Eater, Raging Skelephant, Slayer Moon, Kawaii Killer, and the Maggot Murderer. He also created super villains.

Corpse Eater inspired the name of the famed rock 'n' roll band Corpse Eater Beatles. Their hit songs include, "I Want to Eat Your Hand," "Here Comes the Somnambulist Zombie," "Yellow Subterranean Tomb," "Revulsion," and "Eleanor Rigor Mortis."

In 2014, due to a computer mix-up, Rosey Tiger was sent to Alcatraz to live with him and seven other men in an all-male prison dormitory. Three months later, Rosey was found to be pregnant. The cause was unknown.

The vampirologist Craven claimed she must have been impregnated by another man. He said, "I would never touch a woman--who wasn't dead. Or at least undead." Possibly to protect Craven, Tiger said he wasn't the father, and that she would give birth because of Curley Pubes. She left Alcatraz on maternity leave. Sixth months later she gave birth to three children, Sinister Moe, Craven Larry, and Curley Pubes Jr. After giving birth, she got a work detail and was transferred with her children to the Bay of Bengal chapter of Shamlicht Kids Club where she worked as a babysinker.

After years of grueling imprisonment, Craven and the other inmates finally escaped. This was facilitated by the fact the closed prison had no guards and the doors hadn't been locked for 50 years.

Meeting with Eris[]

Sinister craven shocked by eris

Dr. Sinister Craven after he asked Goddess Eris to do something shocking. Is it any wonder he died?

After his escape, Dr. Craven and his fellow escapee Binky the Wonderskull fled to the Region of Thud. There Craven met Goddess Eris, the goddess of his dreams on whom he had a decades-long crush. He pleaded with her to do something shocking, and she did. Unfortunately, the Lightning of Goddess shorted out his nervous system, and he died. Fortunately, he used his vampiric research to return as a vampire. He currently lives--unlives--in an abandoned mansion in a valley in Southern California with 72 undead Discordian American Princess-wannabe groupies. With no fear of death, he spends his time trying to decipher the Necronomicon. He is thus now completely mad, and should be avoided at all costs.

Bibliography[]

  • Der Librum de Vampyric Histroika (publication date unknown)
  • La libro de la historio de la vampiro (Corpsicana Press, 1976)
  • Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht (Anaphora Literary Press, 2012)
  • Corpse Eater Saves Christmas (Nechrophine Comics, 2014)
  • Slayer Moon and Kawaii Killer Teamup (Kawaii Korpse Komix, 2016)
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