KGB3

The Kooky Kallisti Kristian Go-Go Girl Bongo Broad Band aka KKKGGGBBB or KGB³ was an extremely popular girl pop band known for being "differently abled." It was created by Adam Gorightly in America in the early 21st century. The group's debut album, The Art of Legs, achieved international success and earned them a Gammy Award for Best New Disabled Artist. Their fourth album, Psychedelic Secret Agent, reached number 5 on the American charts and also won a Gammy. But their success turned to infamy when their Gammies were withdrawn after New Yeti Times food and entertainment columnist Chuck E. Cheetah revealed the five girls' secret.

Origin

In 2001, Adam Gorightly created and managed the Kooky Kallisti Kristian Go-Go Girl Bongo Broad Band. It was briefly called KKK-GGG-BBB before reaching its usual nickname of KGB³. The group consisted of five Discordian American Princesses, Mildley Sirius, Linseed "Flax" Lowhand, Katy Puberty, Vanessa Huggies, and Breakwind Shears. Gorightly claimed the girls all sang in spite of having the physical disability of no singing talent.

"With heaven's blessings of computer audio technology, even the vocally challenged can sing her way to a hit song," said Gorightly. "It doesn't matter if you can't sing as long as you can dance and look good doing it." The group was considered a role model for future pop stars.

The Art of Legs

Cover for The Art of Legs. Fans debated for years over which girl's legs were featured until it was revealed in 2015 that the legs belonged to Adam Gorightly.

The group's first album, The Art of Legs, was released in 2002 CE. It gave the group instant recognition. On the American Top Pop 40, it climaxed at number seven, and won a Gammy Award for Best New Disabled Artist. The album features five songs which were listed on either Christian or Pop Top 40 charts. These are "Go Go God," '"Kooky for Christ," "Jiggling for Jesus," "Why Do We Call Ourselves a Bongo Band when We Don't Play Bongos," and "While I Watched My Brother Dick's Beautiful Black Ball Roll Down Lane Number Five of Friendly Hills Lanes In Whittier California I Saw the Face of Jesus in the Shoelace of His Right Shoe and it Made Me Feel All Squishy Inside."

The album inspired a slang phrase that became very popular among preteen and teenage Christian girls: "I'm squishy for Jesus."

Christian music reviewer Pat Stanley Osteen wrote, "these five girls are brave computer-enabled singers who open their mouths wide for God and are acrobatic dancers who spread their legs for Jesus." New Yeti Times food and entertainment columnist Chuck E. Cheetah wrote, "While this is largely a typical Christian dance pop album, it none-the-less has a certain je ne sais squoishiness." There was a minor controversy over the cover because the cross looked more like a crossbow, and some criticized the title The Art of Legs for sounding "too Christian."

Groovy Jesus Sounds 1 & 2

Cover of Volume 2 of the KGB3 album Groovy Jesus Sounds. This was the first cover to feature the girls' faces, but strangely they appeared to have been made up to look Asian.

Gorightly took a chance on the group's sophomore album, rreleased in 2004 CE, by making it a double album. It continued the first album's retro "groovy kooky go-go Christian" theme. It featured "musical sermons" or short pieces by ministers of both the Unified Catholic Church and Baptism World Allegiance set to music. Featured "sermonettes" had lyrics by Pope Hilde, Sister Hooter, Reverend Loveshade, Rev. Ivan Stang, and Rev. DrJon Swabey. Music was by various dead composers who thus wouldn't charge royalties.

Hits included "Pregnant for God," "Ladies Lost in Limbo Dance," "Weirdness Comes from on High," "Jesus was Well Hung (On the Cross)," and "Five Blind Men and an Elephant" which was the group's first song to fully introduce the disability theme.

The double album set sold well. On the American Christian charts, it reached number 6 and was number 66 on the American Pop charts. But it  ran into problems. As the Baptism World Allegiance was opposed to dancing, the girl band known for dancing didn't dance on any video for a Baptist song. And the album front cover featured different girls. Most controversially, the title "Jesus was Well Hung" upset many people who found the title inappropriate. Reviewer Sister Chaste Virginia said "Jesus wasn't well hung he was well crucified."

Gorightly decided to avoid all controversy with the songs and title of the group's third album.

Jesus is My Lover

Cover of Jesus is My Lover. While the songs were non-controversial, a Baptist minister claimed the cover bore a resemblance to a "private part of the female anatomy."

The third album was released in 2006 CE to appeal to a primarily Catholic demographic. This traditional, conservative pop album focused on traditional Catholic values and icons. Themes and the songs about them included the love of God ("Jesus is My Lover"), saints ("Holier than Thou"), the Virgin Mary ("Knocked Up by God"), celibacy ("Date But Don't Fornicate"), not using birth control ("Unmarried Pregnant Teens for Jesus"), and communion ("Eat My Body, Drink My Blood (The Cannibalism Song))".

While the songs on the album avoided controversy, the cover unfortunately didn't. Rev. I.C. Syn said the figure of the Virgin Mary in a vertical oval "is highly suggestive of a certain private part of the female anatomy." While the cover image was changed in the re-release to a non-controversial image of a hard wooden cross entering the wet, squishy dripping center of a bleeding heart, the controversy over the original cover remained.

The album sold well to Catholics and was number 9 on the Vatican Top 40. But it didn't make the top 40 on either the American Christian or Pop charts, so had disappointing sales.

Psychedelic Secret Agent

Extremely rare misprinted cover of KGB3's Psychedelic Secret Agent. This withdrawn front cover lists producer Adam Gorightly instead of KGB³. A album with this cover sold at auction in 2015 for $230,000.

Originally, the fourth album was planned to focus on the Baptism World Allegiance as the third did on the Unified Catholic Church. But due to the previous album's relatively poor sales, Gorightly decided to reduce the group's emphasis on "kooky kristianity." Instead the group's 2008 CE album was targeted to the vocally disabled Discordian American Princess groups' many fans with disabilities.

Psychedelic Secret Agent is a theme album focused on being "differently abled." Some songs became hits including "Parafornia," which is about living as a paraplegic in California (the opening of the music video by Floyd Anderson centers on California DAP Princess Unicornia, who suffers the disability of having only one horn). "Woman from Another Space and Time" implies that being disabled can make one feel alien. "Human Stew," which is about having lost body parts, later became the theme song for the group Cannibals for Christ.

CfC singer and former Playchild model John Benét McCartney said, "KGB³ like totally ended discrimination. Before them so many totally beautiful people could like never have a singing career just because they couldn't sing. Totally unfair. You see all those ugly singers from like the 60s and 70s? Gross. Who'd want to eat them?"

While the first album has the greatest sales so far, this is the group's best charting album, reaching number 5 on the American Pop Top 40 charts. It won a Gammy Award for Best Pop Album Featuring a Vocally Disabled Five-Member Girl Group.

Other albums

Other albums include Kissing for Christ (a purity pledge album which used songs originally intended for the album to appeal to Baptists, including the title song, 2009 CE), Radioactive Queen of England (which focused on proactive Christian communication and became the name of a band, 2010 CE), Mittens for Kittens (fundraiser for "naked homeless pussies," 2011 CE), The Pink Album (a double album with an all pink cover, 2013), Very Christ (traditional hymns made into pop tunes, 2014), and X-Women (aboust the disabled feeling like mutants, 2015).

Exposure

In 2015, the girls were exposed.  New Yeti Times food and entertainment columnist Chuck E. Cheetah was carefully examining music videos for a retrospective program on the vocally-disabled KGB³ when he made a startling discovery. On all of the groups' videos, the movement of the girls' lips precisely matched the vocals on the soundtrack. "No singer can synch that well to themselves on a video," he said. "Futhermore, the girls lip movements even matched the words heard in their concerts. No 21st century pop singer actually sings at their own concerts, so they never quite match. These girls are not vocally-challenged and computer enhanced: they are singing their own songs. Live."

The announcement shocked the Pop world. Fans and critics alike began questioning whether other pop stars were only pretending to lip synch to their prerecorded, computer-enhanced voices, but were actually singing live. "Singing on stage for real? That's for Mick Jagger and Bob Dylan and those other old 60s geezers," said Ashley Pringle, author of Leave 20th Century Music in the 20th Century.

KGB³ was also discovered to be a front for band creator/manager/producer Adam Gorightly's clandestine activities. He was exposed as a retro-KGB secret agent who used broadcasts of the bands' music for mind control. The five Asian girls appeared on the cover of Groovy Jesus Sounds 2 through a photo mix-up; they were real lip-synchers for the Thailandic group which translats into English as "Gorightly's Group Girls Are Awesome American Sexy Secret Superspies (GAS³" Gorighly said, "Hey, it's not like I didn't leave any clues."

The exposure ended both Gorightly's career as a band manager and the group. The girls said they were coerced, and had signed contracts before they understood what they were getting into. They felt trapped..

But the girls decided to become legitimate, and learn to actually lip synch. They now hope to begin new careers as lip synchers for kooky Christian mimes.