Rosey Tiger (Tony the Tigress, Pet Girl Melissa, The Licking Bandit) is an actress, dancer, and Discordian poet, death metal lyricist, and bandit. She was a founding member of Shamlicht Kids Club.
Rosey has always been tied to tigers and tongues. She was born in the mid 1990s when her mother Tammy suddenly screamed while licking a vanilla rose ice cream cone at the Wildcat Rescue & Rehabilitation Center of Tigerton, Texas. Thinking it was just an ice cream headache, instead Tammy gave birth.
Rosey was raised by her parents in Tigro Lango, Georgia, then moved to Janus County, Texas, when she was still a cub. Her father Morey managed Tiger Lily's Flower Shoppe and her mother Tammy performed as a dancer in the Janus County, Texas, Tiger Tiger Burning Bright all-night nudie bar. Tammy later gave birth to Rosey's younger brother Little Shit. Rosey was named after her father's favorite flower, and her brother was named after one of Rosey's diapers.
Rosey was a born performer. Even as a toddler, she loved imitating her mother and the other girls as they danced. At age 6, she appeared in the First Baptist Church of Janustown Christmas pageant where she portrayed the Virgin Mary's afterbirth. An agent saw the girl in Janustown Elementary School's production of the musical Baa Baa Black Sheep Bestiality. Rosey improvised the role of a tiger and started eating a lamb-playing cast member. The agent was impressed with her performance, and took her to Hollywood.
One of 100 who auditioned, she was cast as the replacement for the aging Tony the Tiger for Frosted Flakes (aka Frosties) cereal commercials. She would appear as Tony the Tigress. However, the original Tony suddenly decided against retirement. As Tony the Tigress, she was then cast as a replacement for the licking owl in Tootsie Pop commercials. But the owl decided not to retire. Finally, she was selected to be featured as a dancer, actress, and cover model for Tiger Magazine. But the photographer said her tongue was too long to fit on the cover. So she retired from performing, returning home six months later. Her parents were surprised to learn she'd been gone.
Rosey continually got in trouble for licking the other kids at Tiger Cub Academy without permission from the teacher. Finally, she was expelled.
Jobless and schooless, she turned to a life of crime. She claimed she was an innocent schoolgirl going shopping, but she really became a thief. First she robbed a candy store, stealing a box of different flavored suckers. Next was an ice cream shop where she learned it wasn't easy carrying home 20 gallons of rainbow sherbet in the middle of summer.
By age 9, before she left an all-night bakery, she licked the chocolate frosting-covered hand of one the workers as she pinched a box of donuts. She began to lick the hand of everyone she robbed, from a cashier to an auto mechanic to a men's washroom attendant.
But her criminal career really got going after she stole an orange and black stripped cat suit from Crazy Cat Costumers. She began wearing the tiger suit while committing her crimes of stealing and licking. This is when she became known as The Licking Bandit. Homeless, she slept in a sleeping bag she kept hidden in a warehouse at the Wildcat Rescue & Rehabilitation Center where she was born.
At age 10, she was arrested at New York's Trump Tower and charged with juvenile attempted nonconsensual kissing, licking, groping and pinching of possible future presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. When they learned that Trump Tower sat on the former Pussy Willow Cemetery and she had broken into the tower with Miskatonic Professor of Vampirology Dr. Sinister Craven, she was charged with grave robbing. Because she was a juvenile, her sentence was reduced from life to 55 years. She was sent to Tiger Cub Prison for Girls.
While in the medium security Tiger Cub Prison for Girls, guards Pope Hildegard and Sondra London encouraged her and her cellmate Miley Spears to join the brand new Discordian youth religious club Shamlicht Kids Club. She joined, becoming a charter member under the holy name of Pet Girl Melissa. This changed her life. She abandoned her unholy past, and started religiously learning how to lick and rob consensually.
After the reformed Rosey refused guard Connie Dobbs' order to lick and grope her without consent, Rosey was set to be transferred to a maximum security prison. Because of a computer glitch, she was sent to Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary. This had two problems: one, it was an all-male prison; and two, it had been closed since 1963.
Poetry and music career
Being the only woman in a prison of long forgotten men, she was put in solitary confinement for protection. The men were afraid of her. In her cell wall she clawed, "Get me the hell out of here!" The prison chaplain, Rev. DrJohn Swabey, noticed her talent, and suggested she enter a prison poetry contest. She entered her clawed poem, and won first prize: transfer out of solitary to an all-male dormitory.
She moved into an Alcatraz prison dorm with Floyd Anderson, Hakim Bey, Bob Black, Dr. Sinister Craven, Adam Gorightly, Alden Loveshade, and the late Binky the WonderSkull. They encouraged her to get her creative juices flowing. They flowed so much they flooded the cell. After being with the men for three months, due to her medical condition she was transferred to Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception School for Unwed Mothers. She gave birth to three cubs, Moe, Larry, and Curly. Following their birth, she escaped.
Now living in exile in the Region of Thud, Rosey Tiger has been very successful as a poet and lyricist. Her poetry has appeared in Tiger Beat Off, Playpen, Bestiality and Health, Intermittens, and Lickitung Magazine. Her collection Grope Me, Donald won the 2016 Trump Tower Kiss and Grope Poetry Prize. Some of her poems have been used as lyrics for several death metal bands including Acid Reflux, Cannibal Canaries, Orgasmic Death, Licking Ball, Milk of Bestiality, and Purple Ferret's Nest. Three of her most famous poems are below.
Why does the mouth scream?
Why does the mouth scream?
Never claw a dry mouth.
Stop loudly like a dusty vibrator,
Drool calmly like a hot street.
Screwing is a burning tiger.
Dry, hot vibrators wetly shove a noisy, big sleeping bag.
Shamlicht stops while a tiger travels.
A kiss, bestiality, and love,
Fondle, noise, and exhaustion.
Where is the dark girl?
Shamlicht melts while a schoolgirl shops,
Noise is a small rain.
The cold hand quietly kisses the girl.
Dark, hot dildos roughly desire a lonely, horny breast.
The pair of panties screams like a noisy street,
Rains run like burning whores.
What does it feel like to be licked by a tiger?