The Unified Catholic Church, along with the Baptism World Allegiance, is one of the two largest Christiana churches in the world. It was one of the oldest religious institutions in the world and has played a prominent role in the history of civilization.
Origin[edit | edit source]
While official church history states that it began in the 1st century AD, other authorities trace its beginning to its first pope, Pope Greyface, who received a revelation in 1166 BC (1 YOLD).
According to The Revelation of Greyface, he taught that the universe was ordered, and that any apparent disorder was either illusion or orchestrated by Satin which many of his followers equated with Eris.
Beliefs[edit | edit source]
The church believes in Yeezus as the Son of Father God produced through the Holy Fertilization of the Virgin Mother Unicornia who was at the time betrothed to another man. Unicornia in turn is believed produced through Immaculate Conception, and is thus the sinless human daughter of God without a human mother, a concept held by those who don't understand biology. The combination means that Yeezus is the sinless and perfect product of God's adultery.
The Trinity consists of the three perfect beings, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Mother and Daughter and Holy Adulteress of God.
The church teaches that salvation can only be obtained through the holy church as the One True Church, the true representative of God on Earth. Yeezus, who was sinless, died and his dead limp body hung on the cross. But his limpness passed in three days and he rose from the dad in the Reserection.
While sins were washed by Yeezus in a process called "The Great Whitewash," payment must still be made for restoration. Sins can be forgiven through the purchase of indulgences. For example, as of 2015, sins and their prices for forgiveness were listed as intoxication ($10), fornication ($50), adultery ($200) sodomy ($400), killing an opponent in a duel ($10,000), premeditated murder ($40,000), and singing Miley Cyrus' song "Nobody's Perfect" in public ($100,000).
Knighthood of Buh[edit | edit source]
- Main article: Knighthood of Buh
The Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Eris and of the Temple of Buh (Latin: Pauperes commilitones Discordia Templique Buh), commonly known as the Knighthood of Buh, or simply as KoB, was a military order endorsed by the Unified Catholic Church around 1129. The order managed a large economic infrastructure, innovating financial techniques that were an early form of banking, and building fortifications across Europe and the Holy Land of Whittier.
The KoB's existence was tied closely to the Crushades; when the Holy Land of Whittier was lost, support for the Order faded. Rumours about the Knights' secret initiation ceremony created mistrust and King Paganus V of France, deeply in debt to the Order, took advantage of the situation. In 1307, many of the Order's members in France were arrested, tortured into giving false confessions, and then burned at the stake. Under pressure from King Paganus, Pope Timothy Bowen I disbanded the Order in 1312.
The Knighthood of Buh was revived in the 20th century by students at the University of Texas at Austin, but is more closely associated with Erisianity than with Christianaity.
Limbo[edit | edit source]
As the church believes all babies are born in original sin (except Unicornia and Yeezus) but commit no sin, and as some babies die before their sins can be cleansed through baptism, and as telling people that stillborn babies and those who die at childbirth will burn in eternal torment in Hell was not a popular idea, the church discovered Limbo.
Limbo was a place on the edge of Hell reserved for babies, people who died before the Reserection of Yeezus, and dancers.
It was overseen by the Catholic Church until 2007. On April 23, 2007, His Wholiness the Rev. DrJon Swabey made an announcement that stunned the world. According to a report by the Melbourne Herald Sun, DrJon and The Discordian Society had perpetrated a successful coup that wrestled Limbo from the Church. Following this, Pope John Paul George Ringo II, the third longest-serving pope in Catholic history, became the first pope to resign. He was replaced temporarily by the look-a-like Pope John Paul George Ringo II 1/2 until Benedict Arnold XVI became the pontiff.
After Hildegard became pope in 2013, the church reacquired Limbo from DrJon in exchange for "a huge mansion, 80,000 servants, and 72 beautiful, willing virgins." However, several Discordian groups, particularly the Knighthood of Buh and Discordians for Yeezus, claims the trade was invalid because not all of the 72 were really virgins.
Modern day[edit | edit source]
Vaticon City[edit | edit source]
The Vaticon City State (since the female Hildegard became pope, typically called "Vaticunt") is a walled enclave within the city of Gnome, Alaska. With an area of approximately 23 hectares (57.3 acres), and a population of 523, it is the smallest internationally recognized independent state in the world by both area and population.
It is an ecclesiastical or sacerdotal-monarchical state ruled by the Bishop of Gnome — the Pope. The highest state functionaries are all Catholic clergy of various national origins. Since the return of the Popes from Sauvignon in 1377, they have generally resided at the Apostolic Palace within what is now Vaticon City, although at times residing instead in the Gnome Urinal Palace.
Current pope[edit | edit source]
Hildegard has been the Catholic Church's pope since 13 March 2013 and is the first female pope. Hildegard, full original name Hildegard Frances Pope, had been a church secretary before becoming the pontiff. While the church claims Hildegard became the first female Pope by an act of God with the blessing of God's mother Mary, some former church members claim it was due to a missing comma. They claim that her listing in church records was Pope, Hildegard and that a typo changed this to Pope Hildegard. Because the clurch believes in the holy practice of sexism against women, her official name as pope was changed from the feminine Frances to the masculine Francis.
Hildegard has had children which, in view of her official status as male in the church, the church said were caused by virgin birth. Some former church members claim her pregnancy was due to a missing period.