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Vinz¢ Lampshade & Elizabeth Kucinich

Vinz¢ Lampshade & Elizabeth Harper Kucinich. They got along great until the vegan Elizabeth found out he liked cheese. Then she married Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich. (This is a joke don't sue us!)

Vinz¢ Lampshade, aka FichenDich aka The Fool on the Hill, is a Discordian fool. Who lives on the hill. This is his story.

Early Years[]

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Vinz¢ aka FichenDich as a young child. (Yes, with a beard. Some people develop early.)

Vinz¢ (pronounced like "Vincent," get it?) was born a day's horseback ride from Picksberk, Pennsylvania, in a cheese shop. That was in a community known as Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. He had both a mother and a father, which was common at the time. His mother Cunnie was a Peace Corps volunteer, and his father was a traveling salesman named "Boob". Or "Bob". One of those two. Or maybe something else. He had an older step-brother named  Dr. Sinister Craven, and a younger identical twin brother who's called his clone named Alden Loveshade.

He is a descendant of Eristotle, Aunt Mariah, Mary Simpson, and Malacypse the Elder.

According to the ancient records of the Knighthood of Buh, he also had a third and fourth brother, both named Sir Dante of Bedevere.  But the family denies this. Bedevere was known for serving the Three Kings of Wharton: Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and Warren Buffett. Three great inventors. Trump invented the trump card used in all card games. Buffett invented the table to play the card games on. And Musk invented glandular secretions. Bedevere and the other knights became famous, and were known as the Knights of the Buffet Table. But the family denies this.

Back to Vinz¢. When Vinz¢ was very young, all of the other young children in his town were involved in normal activities. These were things like watching hundreds of murders on TV, fantasizing about killing people by firing toy guns, and using Hannah Montana lunch napkins to play Peeing Pup. But as early as age four, Vinz¢ took to reading books. His peers thought that was foolish. Most of them didn't even know what a book was. Even though their families denied this.

His illiterate peers labeled him the "Precocious Print Perusing Phool." (They didn't know "phool" was spelled "fool." They were illiterate, remember?) Afraid of angry four-year-olds who liked to play with guns, the family quickly left Pennsylvania and, like the knights, rode the midnight train to Hawaii. On the other side of the ocean. Oops.

When that didn't work, the family took the train and moved to Missouri. Which is a city in Texas.

Middle Years[]

Vinz¢ Lampshade reading a book in a library.

Vinz¢ Lampshade in middle school contemplating a book in a library. A library used to be a place for books until they became extinct.

Vinz¢ Lampshade in high school contemplating the skull--of a book.

Vinz¢ Lampshade in high school contemplating the skull--of a book.

Vinz¢ grew up very quickly, which you have to do if you live in Texas. But Vinz¢ was the only student at his elementary school who carried a book to school. The rest of the children carried guns. His illiterate peers labeled him the "Precocious Pennsylvanian Print Perusing Phool." (They didn't know how to spell "fool" either.) So the family quickly took the train and moved to Denver. Which is a city in Texas.

Vinz¢ was accepted in Denver, even though he was different than the other children. But they understood him being different because his family claimed he came from Paris. Which is a city in Texas. The children knew Paris is by the Piney Woods, so they accepted him carrying something made from trees. And using Roquefort dressing. On Camembert cheese.

That's until one day a teacher caught him reading a textbook. From California. Which is not a city in Texas. It's a different state on the Pacific Coast. The teacher knew books were much more dangerous than guns: "the pen is mightier than the sword." (Ok, so she got swords mixed up with guns. But you know, Texas teacher.) So the teacher called Vinz¢ a "Precocious Pennsylvanian-Parisian-Pacifican Print Perusing Phool." (The teacher didn't know how to spell "fool" either. But that didn't matter, because she carried a gun.) Naturally, Vincz was immediately expelled from school.

So Vinz¢ took a train to the only place that would accept a book-carrying fool. College.

But then he reasoned that he had one, and only one, choice. He was someone who carried a book instead of a gun. He was someone who was closely involved with the Peace Corps. So he went to the most obvious place for a book-carrying peace lover: he joined the U.S. Army.

U. S. Army[]

Symbol of U

"De Oppresso Liber" originally meant "free the oppressed." Now it means "We had to destroy the village to save it!"

Yakov Smirnoff criminal presidents

The President is Always Right! Except when they're Left.

Vinz¢  was sent to a restricted, secret training camp (in Texas, of course). He and other military personnel  participated in a focused, rigorous, grueling schedule of training to learn dangerous combat skills. This was called "book camp."

After U.S. Army book camp, he was sent straight to the middle of enemy territory. In Germany. Which is, of course, a city in Texas.

But just as he was finally starting to fit in, the army pulled him out of Germany. Germany was very disappointed. She wasn't through yet. So she used a vibrating substitute. And was arrested, because such devices are declared legally obscene in Texas.

The army sent him to the most dangerous place on Earth: Pennsylvania. Which is an avenue in Washington D.C. Which is NOT in Texas. Vinz¢ guarded, and had the chance to listen to, the greatest politicians of America.

Then one day, there in the center of American government, the capitol was attacked. An angry mob of Communist Cats, led by Cat Dancing, went to the White House lawn and started dancing. For violating the posted "Don't Dance on the Lawn" sign, they were shot. (Although some, including Cat Dancing, Daniel Striped Tiger, Fritz the Cat, Rosey Tiger, Henrietta Pussycat, and The Cats of Aunt Mariah, escaped.)

Then, before the gun smoke cleared, Vinz¢ heard the politicians debating. One said the problem was that too many Christians, Pagans, Wiccans, Sikhs, Muslims, and Jews weren't given free license to carry guns everywhere. Another said there were too many guns, and it was all the fault of gun-toting Discordians, SubGeniuses, and Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monsterians. Another said the problem was that atheists and agnostics didn't even believe guns existed, so they wouldn't carry them or defend against them. Still another said it was the fault of the Quakers because they didn't carry guns but sowed oats. Still another said the followers of Flavius Josephus needed to put down their swords and pick up AR-15 assault rifles.

Then the President of the United States talked about how much he loved cats. "Nobody loves pussies more than...grabs women by the pu...loves cats more than me." Then the president talked about arming bears. And bare woman. Then his dog attacked Fritz.

Vinz¢ finally realized the truth. He had seen and listened to the greatest and most powerful people in America, perhaps in the whole world. And he realized they were more foolish than he was. So he left. (His detractors claimed he left to get some cheesy dessert. So he became a desserter.)

Travels[]

Vinz¢ Lampshade with book cart (both in disguise)

Vinz¢ Lampshade with book cart (both in disguise). Keep on truckin'!

Vinz¢ traveled, but not by train. He traveled in a book cart. He sought out and met other wise fools. He laughed with Dr. Demento. He sang with Monty Python. He danced with Devo (but not on the White House lawn).

Alien and Zeus, students at Mt. Santa Juanita College who were also fools, were inspired by his travels, and created the Ek-sen-triks Cluborguild.

But Vinz¢ did not return to the college where he was now accepted. Oh no. That wouldn't be foolish. So he went elsewhere.

The Hill[]

Mottos of The Macaroni and Cheese Club

Mottos of The Macaroni and Cheese Club

Wise ass on the hill

Wise Ass on the Hill (Stephan Pastis)

Instead of going back to Mt. Santa Juanita College, located at the base of the mountain, he went to the top of Mt. Santa Juanita itself. He decided if he was going to be thought a fool, he'd become The Fool on the Hill. (Everybody knew it wasn't a hill but instead a mountain. But that made him look even more foolish).

There, on the hill, he saw the sun going down. And the eyes in his head saw the world spinning round. Round and round and round and round and round. (We'll stop here so we don't get dizzy, or sued for stealing Beatles' lyrics.)

There, on the hill, he stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni, (The Beatles didn't write that.)

Vinz¢ then opened a used bookstore that had no name. It was named The Macaroni and Cheese Club. Aka Book Hill. Of Dodge City. You can guess what state it's in. Fools from all over flock to his store to buy books. Not because they want to read books, but because they want to point at the fool and laugh at him. But he takes their money. He doesn't laugh all the way to the bank, because the bank is in town. He's living on the top of a mountain, remember?

Over the years, Vincz has became known by many names in addition to Vinz¢ Lampshade. These include FichenDich, Cucumbus Q Bluckenthutch, Sparky Spearhead, Bruce, The Clone, Big Daddy-O Bookmonger. And, of course, The Fool on the Hill.

So become a fool yourself and buy and read books today!

This article sponsored by The Macaroni and Cheese Club.  Not affiliated with any cheese shop. Or any bookstore. Really. Believe me.

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