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ivan zlax, authorized apostle of eris

Zlaxy, also known as ivan zlax, was a conspiracy theorist of Ancient Rus’.

Personal life[]

Zlaxy was born as ivan zlax in 523 CE in the city of Derbent in Ancient Rus'. This was on the coast of the Caspian Sea. He has been an important leader in conspiracy cultural exchange theory for over a thousand years.

He was involved in the building of the ancient Derbent Citadel, one of the first structures to feature the eye in the pyramid. The citadel was built in the 6th century and is one of the oldest fortifications in the world.

In his youth, Zlaxy was a regular transcontinental traveler on the legendary Silk Road. He played a vital role in the conspiratorial exchange between the East and West.

Zlaxy had 23 wives including Эрида and Разногласие. His descendants include Paganus Grimlove, Ariel Lovechild, Eldwin Nightowl, Genghis Khan, Pope Hildegard, Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, Paganus II, Paganus V, Reverend Loveshade, Robert Anton Wilson, Robert de Lockesly, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, Timothy Bowen I, and Vargskol Halfblood.

Zlaxy passed away from anthrax leprosy in 537 CE.

Conspiracy theories[]

Even though Zlaxy lived over 1500 years ago, many of his conspiracy theories survive today. Most of these involve a mythical person named Ivan Ó Ceannéidigh (in English, John F. Kennedy).

Soyedinennyye Shitaty Ameriki (U.S.A.)[]

He predicted that, in 1732 CE, Rus' would be an empire that would lay claim to land on a continent to the west. In 1776, there would be established a Rus' nation called Soyedinennyye Shitaty Ameriki (United Soviet America or "U.S.A.") However, according to the conspiracy theory, the U.S.A. would later claim to be independent of Rus' following the Second Great War that would end with an attack on Sodom and Gomorrah, known as Day D, in 1945 CE. A Third Great War would be prevented by a U.S.A. leader known as King Ivan Ó Ceannéidigh (in English, King John F. Kennedy).

Zlaxy accurately predicted Rus' colonizing the American continent which it still controlled in 2023+. However, in real life the U.S.A. never existed. At least not outside of a Disney movie. But some conspiracy theorists still believe that it does.

Peace Corps (Peace Corpse)[]

Zlaxy predicted that, a few years after Day D, Prince Uolter Reyter and King Ivan Ó Ceannéidigh would form a new organization. This would be called the Труп Мира (Peace Corpse.) In this conspiracy theory, the U.S.A. would work to keep peaceful relations with other nations in an effort to avoid the image of the "Ugly American." The Americans would train giant birds (pink elephant birds) to fly to foreign lands where they'd drop good-looking American corpses. Zlaxy predicted the corpse-dropping effort would be a success--but only in nations that were cannibalistic.

Some conspiracy theorists believe there actually is a secret organization called either Peace Corps or Peace Corpse that does indeed deliver food to hungry nations. Except the food isn't American corpses. It's pink elephant birds. But that only happened in a Disney movie.

The Assassination of Ivan Ó Ceannéidigh (John F. Kennedy)[]

Goddess Eris would eventually grow tired of King Ivan, according to Zlaxy. She would send him a poisoned and frozen golden apple stolen from a bear's nest. This would be carried by a flying purple ferret girl named Minnie Rae Alice who would take it down the sinking watering hole of a sacred cow. This would be delivered to Ivan Ó Ceannéidigh who planned to be attending an underwater mermaid ball. The apple would be made so that, after the king ate it, every time he told a lie his nose would grow. This was designed to destroy his political career. But the apple would be stolen by three people sent by a good fairy. These three caballero sockpuppets would be Omar Khayyam Racenhurst the Duck, Malaclypse the Younger Mouse, and Lee Harvey Oswald the Rabbit.

While conspiracy theories contend these events happened, they're only the plot of a Disney movie.

Awards[]

  • On the day of his birth in 523 CE, Goddess Eris name ivan zlax a Pope due to (CLASSIFIED).
  • When he was 9 years old in 532 CE, he was named an Apostle of Eris when (CLASSIFIED).
  • On his 12th birthday in 535 CE, Zlaxy was named one of the 12 Apostles of (CLASSIFIED).
  • In 537 CE, his body was picked up by flying pink elephant birds to be delivered to (CLASSIFIED).
  • The Përkthyes Transkontinental Award at Grove 23 went to Zlaxy (posthumously) and Shamlicht Al in 2023 CE because of (CLASSIFIED).

External links[]

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